My Suicide Note

Infront of me lays;
14 panadol
4 panadeine
13 paracetamol
24 aropax
and a bottle of water to choke them down with.
I've already taken one aropax cos I didn't take it this morning.
I'm listening to my Blindspott CD cos Channel Z is playing 'Behind Blue Eyes' by Limp Bizkit.
I hate that song.
Shane loves it.
I love Shane, I really do.
I don't show it often.
At the moment it's 10.45pm on the 17th of Feb '04.
I had to look at my phone to check the calendar on that one.
I have 2c on my phone.
I am unable to contact the people I can talk to.
I want so much to be able to run into my mother's arms and tell her how much I want to die,
but at the same time, that her for bringing me into this world.
She is a good mother, I love her a great deal.
I just swallowed 4 panadol.
I hope it takes the pain away.
I have a chip on my thumb nail on my right hand.
I am sitting on my queen sized bed in my garfield pajama pants, and Rotary exchange tshirt.
I was tired before, and now am numb.
I read a whole book today.
It wasn't the greatest.
"A Sense of Unfortunate Events - A Bad Beginning" by Lemony Snicket.
What kind of name is 'Lemony'?
I'm looking around my room.
Absorbing my insanity.
I'm insane you know?
I think this could be my final big break.
Not as in fame.
As in sanity.
I can feel my brain letting go of my mind.
I just took 2 panadiene.
I always get confused with 'ei' and 'ie'.
Is it before 'c' or after?
There's a photo of Blair on my wall.
It's black and white becasue it's photocopied.
He doesn't love me.
I do love him though.
Dr. Phil talks about five pivotal people in our lives.
In mine - Blair is one.
I don't know who the other four would be.
It's now 10.58pm.
I'm meant to go to my course in the morning.
But I've been thinking,
and I'm quite sure I don't want to do it anymore.
And I feel guilt.
It just started raining.
Maybe my father was right?
I won't know what I want to do in life until I'm older.
I think he jinxed me.
I can't make up my mind.
I just had another aropax tablet.
They're small and easy to swallow.
'Blank' is now playing on my stereo.
Blindspott are so talented.
I get lost in their music, in my own little world.
Where I'm happy.
My nose is sore.
I have a cold, ontop of glandular fever.
11.03pm.
Another aropax down the hatch.
"A chemical imbalance in the brain," said the doctor.
My sister cried a little when I put it like that.
She told me to be 'happy'.
What is happy?
'S.U.I.T' is now playing.
"Fuck you and all your negativity, it won't rub off on me, I've got my own as you can see, you're not alone in hating me.."
It did rub off on me.
I guess I should change change my personal quote on DeviantArt.
My page is soozey.deviantart.com.
Free advertising.
Not like anyone cares about what I have to say.
No self-pitying Suzi!
I often wonder how Wendy Beach is.
My old next door neighbour.
I miss her.
In the light my hair is tinted orange.
Like my grandmother's.
She's and awesome one.
I've got noone to compare her to, but I know she is.
In my heart.
I am having heart pains, down the right side.
I want to drop out of my course.
I will then owe money.
And be a failure.
I love my course, but I don't want to do it.
I've changed my mind.
Again.
I just had 2 more panadiene - or panadeine.
The first got stuck in my throat.
My eyelids are getting heavy.
It's 11.13pm now.
I want to hug my mother.
I don't get many hugs.
Deanna gives me some, but I don't hug her back.
I lover her, and her hugs.
But just can't hug her back.
I've tried.
I don't hug anyone much.
I have a SpongeBob poster on my wall.
He's funny.
My ears are ringing.
I just took another aropax.
It's small and didn't hurt to swallow.
My eyelases are long.
My tears reflect off them.
I don't ring my friends much anymore.
I apologise to them.
I did ring Natasha yesterday though.
But only cos she told me to.
I've been eating a lot of tuna lately.
It's best with mayonnaise.
I don't know how to spell.
Another aropax gone.
The sheet is now empty.
I guess I'm either gonna have to take all these pills or tell someone.
Mum will find out.
Cos I won't have my medication.
My wrist is hurting.
'Room to Breathe' just came on.
Phil asked me what my favourite song of all time was tonight.
I said 'Room to Breathe' by Blindspott.
I love Phil. He's easy to talk to.
It's getting harder to write now.
Ainslie and Erin are people I wish I saw more.
They're so beautiful in every way.
All my cousins are.
Except Gavin and Stuart...
I wouldn't know.
I just had 2 paracetamol.
They taste revolting!
If mum reads this, she'll be angry.
I only topped my phone up yesterday,
and now am left with 2c.
I disappoint easily.
I'm getting pins and needles from sitting this way.
My eyelids are still getting heavier.
It's 11.25pm.
I want to die.
I want to hug my mum and tell her so she knows.
I want to cry and quit my course and do something in psychology or writing.
I like writing poems.
Maybe I'll just show her this one.
But for now.
I want sleep.
I'll talk to mum in the morning.